I spent most of last week at a conference in Boston, a city I haven't visited in an extremely long time. It was unexpectedly lovely -- amidst the usual unpredictable cruelty of Massachusetts weather, we enjoyed a beautiful summer evening on my first night in town. I went for a run on a route traced out for me by the hotel: from Boston Common along Cambridge Street, across Longfellow Bridge and along the Charles River, then crossing back over on Harvard Bridge and running along the Esplanade back to Cambridge -- a nice four-mile loop. As I ran, I kept thinking, "I am not in New York, these are not New Yorkers, this is another city where people live. And it is beautiful here." Sunset over the water, sailboats bobbing along. Brilliant office towers reflecting the orange-yellow light. Running blindly and confidently.
One evening I abandoned the conference program to visit with my grandparents and aunt in nearby Beverly. I was proud of myself for navigating the commuter train and making it to the Beverly Depot, where I had a great summer dinner with my aunt and grandfather (steak, grilled out in the spitting rain; salad, potato salad, sliced tomato (first good one of the year), brownie and ice cream, Bud Light) and then went on to the hospital where my grandmother was unfortunately checked in. It had been five years since I had seen this side of the family, and being with them again felt easy and familiar. I saw unexpected glimpses of my dad in my aunt's features or my grandfather's gestures. Their home was full of pictures of my sister and me, Alice and L. I felt like I had discovered some kind of reservoir of love, and I felt horrible and strange about letting so much time pass between visits. It was wonderful, but it came with a certain ache, too. I called L when I was standing on the dark, rainy platform, waiting for the train to arrive to roll me through the night back to Boston, but we could barely talk before the flashing lights and clatter of the train roared into the station.
Another train ride and a few days later, and now I'm back at home.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Sunday, June 05, 2011
Neighbors
This morning at 8:30, I was walking out of the apartment to head to the gym, untangling my headphones in my hands, when I heard our next-door neighbor yelling for help inside his apartment. "Help me! Help me! Is anyone there? Please help me!" I continued walking down the first flight of stairs before I stopped and came back up. I called to him through the door. From what I could understand, he said he had been stuck in his bathtub for two days, and could I go to the superintendent and get the keys to his apartment. I said I would. I went downstairs and knocked on the super's door, and got no response. I called him and left a voice message. I knocked on my neighbor's door and he started yelling again -- "Help! Someone, please!" -- and his voice faltered. He must have thought I had left.
I conferred with L and we decided to call the police. She called 911 and spoke to the operators. Soon other neighbors had gathered with us outside of his door: the neighbor who was the reason we called 911 the last time, a girl doing her laundry. When the police arrived at the building, they buzzed our neighbor's apartment to be let in, which struck me as grimly hilarious. Key in hand, the superintendent came spilling out of the elevator with the cops and EMTs. Everyone went inside the apartment. We hung back, afraid to look through the doorway. They were worried about what kind of mess they might find.
A few minutes later they rolled our neighbor out in a rickety wheelchair that looked like lawn furniture. He was wrapped from head to toe in a white bedsheet, with his skinny legs dangling and his gnarled feet dragging on the floor tile. He was every figure of the Pieta. His body was bisected by bright orange straps tied tightly to secure him. They asked him his name and if he knew his social. Soon he and the police and EMTs had all vanished back down the elevator. L said, "Should we wish him good luck?," but by the time we tried to say it they had already gone. Before they left one of the cops made sure his lights and air conditioner were turned off.
A few of us were still on the landing. The super said he didn't mind helping our neighbor. He was old and alone, and not all there. Lou Gehrig's disease. From our apartment we can hear him playing classical music most of the time, and yelling to himself when he gets frustrated.
In the afternoon we saw the neighbor from the last 911 call, who said he was going to the hospital to check on the man. Since he's all alone, you know. But before he left for the hospital, our neighbor had to check the building directory posted by the buzzer to make sure he knew the man's last name.
I conferred with L and we decided to call the police. She called 911 and spoke to the operators. Soon other neighbors had gathered with us outside of his door: the neighbor who was the reason we called 911 the last time, a girl doing her laundry. When the police arrived at the building, they buzzed our neighbor's apartment to be let in, which struck me as grimly hilarious. Key in hand, the superintendent came spilling out of the elevator with the cops and EMTs. Everyone went inside the apartment. We hung back, afraid to look through the doorway. They were worried about what kind of mess they might find.
A few minutes later they rolled our neighbor out in a rickety wheelchair that looked like lawn furniture. He was wrapped from head to toe in a white bedsheet, with his skinny legs dangling and his gnarled feet dragging on the floor tile. He was every figure of the Pieta. His body was bisected by bright orange straps tied tightly to secure him. They asked him his name and if he knew his social. Soon he and the police and EMTs had all vanished back down the elevator. L said, "Should we wish him good luck?," but by the time we tried to say it they had already gone. Before they left one of the cops made sure his lights and air conditioner were turned off.
A few of us were still on the landing. The super said he didn't mind helping our neighbor. He was old and alone, and not all there. Lou Gehrig's disease. From our apartment we can hear him playing classical music most of the time, and yelling to himself when he gets frustrated.
In the afternoon we saw the neighbor from the last 911 call, who said he was going to the hospital to check on the man. Since he's all alone, you know. But before he left for the hospital, our neighbor had to check the building directory posted by the buzzer to make sure he knew the man's last name.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Alice update
Walking confidently. Starting to mangle words into something coherent: "Mama" and the like are pretty solid. References to me include: "Dada," "Didi," "Dee," and sometimes "Gagy." She is pretty good with "Shoe." She seemed to be on the brink of "Cheese" this morning. Recently, during our morning bus rides, she has been insisting on sitting in her own seat next to me, her shoes reaching the lip of the seat, her head leaning downward on her chest. This is reminiscent of one of her favorite perches at home, resting against all of the pillows on our bed (we call it Mt. Pillow, as she enjoys climbing it). She likes to splay out, reclining with her belly out and her legs crossed daintily. When I see her do this I see a streak of laziness and indolence that I know came from me.
She loves gnawing on her toothbrush, although she is resistant to let anyone actually brush her teeth. She gets upset when L tries to change her diaper, but she's calm when I do it. Now that the weather is nicer and I'm wearing shorts around the house, she is very interested in my legs. Earlier this week, we lost one of her shoes for two days because she had put it in the recycling bin, and we couldn't find it. For Easter, my parents got her one of those storybooks where you can record your voice reading the text. Yesterday I opened it up and my parents' voices started reading the story out loud, and Alice walked over and sat in my lap and listened to the whole story. Lately she has been enjoying drawing at her little white table, and she figured out how to lift one leg to get herself up into the chair. The other night on the walk home, she stopped to wave at some people drinking at the bar, who waved back, and then she clapped for herself and waved again.
A genius, our girl.
Jury duty
I was on jury duty this week. Unlike my first time as a juror, six years ago, this experience felt a lot more...coerced. I felt like I had been conscripted into something unpleasant. At every step of the way, people reminded us that it was our duty to be there, that it was an inconvenience, that we may be occupied for the next several weeks, that they would let us go as soon as possible but not yet, and that the fate of our democracy depended on our presence in the sad little waiting room. It was like a hostage situation, but more principled.
I had two close brushes with juryhood. The first case was an attempted assault. Someone was accused of beating a Christmas tree vendor with a bicycle chain. The second case was a murder and at attempted murder. That trial would last several weeks. The death penalty would not be an issue before us. We were not to look up this case on the Internet. There had been media attention before, and there would likely be more attention to come. Can we handle that?
Well, I guess I could, probably, but it's not really a good time for me to spend a month as a juror. Not when we're going to Spain and already got Alice a passport, a hellish process involving four post offices in two states. When I made this excuse before the judge I felt very spineless and pathetic, whimpering my way out of jury service. I was excused and sent to a different room upstairs where I got my letter stating that I was done with jury service until 2017, which so far is convenient for me.
Last week was exhausting, with graduation activities and jury duty. This coming week I have two work retreats, and the slow transition into the summer season of the academic calendar. I'm also trying to submit a story to a few publications/contests with a May 31 deadline, so that should keep me occupied too.
I had two close brushes with juryhood. The first case was an attempted assault. Someone was accused of beating a Christmas tree vendor with a bicycle chain. The second case was a murder and at attempted murder. That trial would last several weeks. The death penalty would not be an issue before us. We were not to look up this case on the Internet. There had been media attention before, and there would likely be more attention to come. Can we handle that?
Well, I guess I could, probably, but it's not really a good time for me to spend a month as a juror. Not when we're going to Spain and already got Alice a passport, a hellish process involving four post offices in two states. When I made this excuse before the judge I felt very spineless and pathetic, whimpering my way out of jury service. I was excused and sent to a different room upstairs where I got my letter stating that I was done with jury service until 2017, which so far is convenient for me.
Last week was exhausting, with graduation activities and jury duty. This coming week I have two work retreats, and the slow transition into the summer season of the academic calendar. I'm also trying to submit a story to a few publications/contests with a May 31 deadline, so that should keep me occupied too.
Thursday, May 05, 2011
Writing/running
My beloved writing class ended this week. When it's all said and done I have one brand new story I'm really excited about, one new story I'm worried might be a noble failure and a set of revisions/suggestions for a third story in draft form. My plan for the summer is to work on revisions for the latter two stories, and maybe try to submit the first story and see if I get any bites (and of course try to kick around some new ideas). One lesson from the class: writing requires discipline and regularity. I need to be better about writing consistently throughout the week, rather than binging for a few harried, exhausting nights in a row.
I had been planning on trying to take the next-level workshop in the fall, until I learned that I have somehow won a spot in the lottery for this year's New York City marathon. So now I think my fall will be devoted to running the marathon. When I did it in 2007 (copiously recorded on this blog) it was one of the best experiences of my entire life. Back then I had to run 10 races in the preceding year in order to guarantee my spot; this year I fell into it through the dumb luck of a random drawing. I think I could use this kind of long-range goal, this kind of physical challenge; something to remind me that I'm more than a brain with an email account. (Plus, this year I can actually take ice baths after my long runs, since we now have a bathtub.)
I don't think I can swing a writing class as well as marathon training. That's one too many selfish endeavors for someone who is still trying to do a good job at work and be an equal partner at home. I'm excited to get some good writing done over the summer -- this is the year of writing, after all -- but the jolt of this marathon entry is an opportunity I can't ignore. Not this year.
I had been planning on trying to take the next-level workshop in the fall, until I learned that I have somehow won a spot in the lottery for this year's New York City marathon. So now I think my fall will be devoted to running the marathon. When I did it in 2007 (copiously recorded on this blog) it was one of the best experiences of my entire life. Back then I had to run 10 races in the preceding year in order to guarantee my spot; this year I fell into it through the dumb luck of a random drawing. I think I could use this kind of long-range goal, this kind of physical challenge; something to remind me that I'm more than a brain with an email account. (Plus, this year I can actually take ice baths after my long runs, since we now have a bathtub.)
I don't think I can swing a writing class as well as marathon training. That's one too many selfish endeavors for someone who is still trying to do a good job at work and be an equal partner at home. I'm excited to get some good writing done over the summer -- this is the year of writing, after all -- but the jolt of this marathon entry is an opportunity I can't ignore. Not this year.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I got my ass kicked at a writing workshop
Last night my second and final story got workshopped in my beginning fiction class. I had been very excited about this; my first story was well-received, and I tried to really amp up the work this time around. I was trying to be ambitious and worldly, to move around chronologically and write two interweaving stories, one when the protagonist is 15 and one when he is 45. I was trying to write in a non-linear way about a character who was not a carbon copy of me at the present moment. Enough of these short stories that take place within a few hours, when some protagonist who is the demographic equivalent of the author experiences some precious little epiphany. I wanted to be narratively bold and sophisticated, to tackle some big themes. When I passed out my story for the class to read, I was pretty proud of myself, and I thought that it had turned out well for a first draft, although obviously it needed a lot of work.
Well, unfortunately, as the workshop got under way, things were not looking so hot. The conversation zoomed in immediately on the weak spots of the piece. "Uneven" was the adjective that really set the tone for the discussion of the story. I concentrated on taking copious notes, to avoid having to look at anyone as we all discussed my stilted dialogue, or how the tone was too even, or how there should be more anger. As time passed I kept hoping for the conversation to move on to other elements (how about that sophisticated chronology? did anyone catch how narratively bold I'm being?) but we remained mired in the bad parts. As someone who is bad at hiding my emotions, I think it was pretty obvious that I was deflating. By the end of the conversation, the instructor was noting that although the class discussion had focused on the problematic areas, there was a lot in the piece that worked very well -- and then he quickly went through a laundry list of good things. But the damage was done.
I felt like a real jackass for being so proud and happy about the work. I was embarrassed at having talked to the instructor about how excited I was to get feedback from the class. I tried to pull myself out of my funk for the rest of the session, but I couldn't manage it -- I didn't say a word for the rest of class. I felt like I had left my guts on the page, that I had dug really deep and put myself out there, and that I had just gotten shat on for my efforts. I wanted to pause in the conversation and ask: "So did anyone like anything about it? Did anything work for anyone?" But of course you can't do that in a writing class, where workshop protocol is as sacred and inviolable as, say, the procedure for selecting a new Pope.
I had a long, redemptive, enjoyable conference with the instructor afterwards. He said my impression of the conversation was probably a lot worse than it actually had been. This could very well be true. When I got home I read everyone's written critiques, and suddenly there it was -- proof that the story was not the abject failure I had thought. People appreciated different elements of it, and found it moving in different ways, and said some really nice and thoughtful things about it. Great.
Although I still feel dumb and embarrassed for letting myself be so crushed by all of this, I am still licking my wounds over the whole thing. I have to put that particular story aside for a while and work on some other stuff for the time being. Part of this is vanity, and part of it is the need for constructive criticism to come bundled with something good, something I can hang on to. When in doubt, blame astrology -- I'm a Pisces, and I'm sensitive about my shit.
Well, unfortunately, as the workshop got under way, things were not looking so hot. The conversation zoomed in immediately on the weak spots of the piece. "Uneven" was the adjective that really set the tone for the discussion of the story. I concentrated on taking copious notes, to avoid having to look at anyone as we all discussed my stilted dialogue, or how the tone was too even, or how there should be more anger. As time passed I kept hoping for the conversation to move on to other elements (how about that sophisticated chronology? did anyone catch how narratively bold I'm being?) but we remained mired in the bad parts. As someone who is bad at hiding my emotions, I think it was pretty obvious that I was deflating. By the end of the conversation, the instructor was noting that although the class discussion had focused on the problematic areas, there was a lot in the piece that worked very well -- and then he quickly went through a laundry list of good things. But the damage was done.
I felt like a real jackass for being so proud and happy about the work. I was embarrassed at having talked to the instructor about how excited I was to get feedback from the class. I tried to pull myself out of my funk for the rest of the session, but I couldn't manage it -- I didn't say a word for the rest of class. I felt like I had left my guts on the page, that I had dug really deep and put myself out there, and that I had just gotten shat on for my efforts. I wanted to pause in the conversation and ask: "So did anyone like anything about it? Did anything work for anyone?" But of course you can't do that in a writing class, where workshop protocol is as sacred and inviolable as, say, the procedure for selecting a new Pope.
I had a long, redemptive, enjoyable conference with the instructor afterwards. He said my impression of the conversation was probably a lot worse than it actually had been. This could very well be true. When I got home I read everyone's written critiques, and suddenly there it was -- proof that the story was not the abject failure I had thought. People appreciated different elements of it, and found it moving in different ways, and said some really nice and thoughtful things about it. Great.
Although I still feel dumb and embarrassed for letting myself be so crushed by all of this, I am still licking my wounds over the whole thing. I have to put that particular story aside for a while and work on some other stuff for the time being. Part of this is vanity, and part of it is the need for constructive criticism to come bundled with something good, something I can hang on to. When in doubt, blame astrology -- I'm a Pisces, and I'm sensitive about my shit.
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Happy birthday, Alice
Yesterday was Alice's first birthday. The main festivities took place on Saturday, when we somehow wedged about 30 people into our apartment (the crowd included six or eight children). Alice, looking like a confection in her pink sequined birthday dress, took it all in stride. We ordered a box-full of Chipotle burritos and hung up some pink and green streamers. There were balloons. Everyone who came was really nice and excited to see the baby. Before we had birthday cake I gave a little mini-speech about What It All Means, then we sang and Alice devoured her first bites of chocolate, quickly developing a dark brown goatee of frosting around her lips.
After it was all over -- after the guests had left, after our family members had decamped for their hotels in New Jersey -- we were exhausted. We were consigned to eat leftover burritos for the next six meals or so. A fitting coda to the night: Alice throwing up her cake and continuing to vomit sporadically all evening; an unopened bottle of wine somehow falling out of the refrigerator and shattering on the kitchen floor.
It's hard to believe it's been a year since Alice came into our lives. My memories of that day and the days that followed are so vivid, I can't believe we've gone through a whole year of seasons, changes, holidays. Like a friend told me today, with children the days are long and the years are short. I feel like my whole orientation towards life has changed since she was born -- what I consider important or meaningful, how I value my time, where I want to direct my energy and resources.
If it's hard to believe a year has passed, it's also difficult to overstate the joy she's brought into our lives. Tonight at dinner we were playing a little game where we were feeding each other Cheerios. I would open my mouth in an exaggerated way and say "aah" so that she could place the Cheerio inside. She opened her mouth to mimic me, and said "aah" in the exact same tone. She had never done that before. Then she would touch my finger with her finger and we would spend a few moments considering fingers. All of these little tiny doors opening, connections being forged, ideas linking together. It's like you can see her memories sharpening, her smiles becoming more genuine, her sense of herself and our family becoming more clear. It's still miraculous.
Monday, April 04, 2011
Long run
Yesterday my brother-in-law Henry and I went on an epic run down the west side of Manhattan, from my apartment at 125th Street all the way to Battery Park. It ultimately clocked in at over 9 miles, by far the longest run I've done since the marathon. It was a beautiful day, clear and breezy, and there were plenty of other runners and bikers keeping us company. It felt great to run beyond my usual uptown route, to then explore uncharted new parks along the Upper West Side and midtown, and to conclude the run along the familiar downtown stretches of the Hudson River Park. I felt buoyant during those last couple of miles -- I haven't run down there since we moved uptwon, and it really felt like a homecoming.
We ran at a nice leisurely place, so I was never too uncomfortable. Only one of my headphones worked, but I got used to it after a while. My legs were tired but I didn't experience any alarming pains. A few stitches in my side, but nothing too bad. Afterwards I was exhausted for the rest of the afternoon, but no worse for the wear, and even now I don't have any sharp pains or discomfort. All in all, it was a really great experience -- a great discovery that I can still do things I might not have thought I could. Good stuff.
We ran at a nice leisurely place, so I was never too uncomfortable. Only one of my headphones worked, but I got used to it after a while. My legs were tired but I didn't experience any alarming pains. A few stitches in my side, but nothing too bad. Afterwards I was exhausted for the rest of the afternoon, but no worse for the wear, and even now I don't have any sharp pains or discomfort. All in all, it was a really great experience -- a great discovery that I can still do things I might not have thought I could. Good stuff.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
911
L arrived home late from work, around 9. I had put the baby down and had ordered a pizza for us. L had just walked in and was standing in the doorway of the apartment, talking to a woman in the hallway. The woman was wearing baggy gray longjohns, clutching a cordless phone and her eyeglasses and a pen. Apparently her boyfriend, who lives with her, was drunk and raging. He had smashed his hand through some glass case in their apartment and was bleeding. He had locked her out.
L invited her inside to have a place to think for a few minutes. The woman said she just wanted him out of her apartment, but she didn't want the police involved. She came in and stood in our doorway for a few minutes, then returned to the hallway. We offered to call the police but she declined. The woman suggested that maybe we could ask him to come into our apartment for a few moments, and then she could return to her apartment and lock him out. We said no.
The man opened the door to his apartment and started yelling at her again. He moved into the hallway, bleary-eyed. L, the sentinel, held our door open in case the woman needed it. The man was blathering on and on. He started referring to us and pointing to us. "Now my neighbor won't even talk to me!" He started comparing himself to Libya, saying it would take more than one policeman to take him down. He talked about the Irish. Staring at L's face to not look at the man's, I kept asking her: should we call the police now? Are we justified now? Finally, feeling vaguely threatened as he shuffled into the middle of the hallway, closer to the woman and our door, I called 911. Not the first time I've done it, here in this city of shit and blood. I put on a fleece and some flip flops to get ready.
A few minutes later I heard distant sirens, then three cruisers pulled up in front of our building. A group of policemen swarmed inside. Someone from dispatch called me to tell me to buzz them up. When they poured out of the elevator I gestured to the poor woman who was standing forlornly by the stair railing, and they directed their procedures and protocols at her. One officer, calm and low-voiced, hung back to talk to me about the call.
A little while later I got another call from dispatch, telling me to buzz up the ambulance crew. I also thought, where is our pizza? It's been thirty minutes. Maybe the law enforcement can let our pizza guy in. The ambulance crew had arrived because the man was apparently bleeding from the broken glass he had smashed. A little while later we heard yelling from outside -- it was the man, now on the sidewalk, surrounded by cops trying to secure him onto a gurney to go into the ambulance. He was hollering, howling at them. Craning out of our window we could see him thrashing on the ground, the lumpy mounds of the officers' backs surrounding him. Someone was pinning him to the ground with a knee. Suddenly I saw our pizza delivery guy, toodling along on his bike up the block, past the spectacle of double-parked law enforcement vehicles with their lights ablaze. "Well, at least the pizza's here."
A few minutes later the man was secured in the ambulance and the cars dispersed. His antics made me feel more justified in calling 911 in the first place. The cars and ambulance revved up their lights and sirens to facilitate illegal U-turns on our block, and then they were screaming up Broadway, away from our home.
The pizza was lukewarm and doughy when we finally ate it. We wondered what it would be like when the man inevitably returned to his apartment, to the woman in longjohns. The city is a forceful, unrelenting place on nights like this. Discretion, or the opportunity to ignore your neighbor, is a luxury. What were we supposed to do? Wait for the woman to get hit? Wait for the drunken man to sober up, stop bleeding, stop pounding on the walls?
What if we had just closed our door?
L invited her inside to have a place to think for a few minutes. The woman said she just wanted him out of her apartment, but she didn't want the police involved. She came in and stood in our doorway for a few minutes, then returned to the hallway. We offered to call the police but she declined. The woman suggested that maybe we could ask him to come into our apartment for a few moments, and then she could return to her apartment and lock him out. We said no.
The man opened the door to his apartment and started yelling at her again. He moved into the hallway, bleary-eyed. L, the sentinel, held our door open in case the woman needed it. The man was blathering on and on. He started referring to us and pointing to us. "Now my neighbor won't even talk to me!" He started comparing himself to Libya, saying it would take more than one policeman to take him down. He talked about the Irish. Staring at L's face to not look at the man's, I kept asking her: should we call the police now? Are we justified now? Finally, feeling vaguely threatened as he shuffled into the middle of the hallway, closer to the woman and our door, I called 911. Not the first time I've done it, here in this city of shit and blood. I put on a fleece and some flip flops to get ready.
A few minutes later I heard distant sirens, then three cruisers pulled up in front of our building. A group of policemen swarmed inside. Someone from dispatch called me to tell me to buzz them up. When they poured out of the elevator I gestured to the poor woman who was standing forlornly by the stair railing, and they directed their procedures and protocols at her. One officer, calm and low-voiced, hung back to talk to me about the call.
A little while later I got another call from dispatch, telling me to buzz up the ambulance crew. I also thought, where is our pizza? It's been thirty minutes. Maybe the law enforcement can let our pizza guy in. The ambulance crew had arrived because the man was apparently bleeding from the broken glass he had smashed. A little while later we heard yelling from outside -- it was the man, now on the sidewalk, surrounded by cops trying to secure him onto a gurney to go into the ambulance. He was hollering, howling at them. Craning out of our window we could see him thrashing on the ground, the lumpy mounds of the officers' backs surrounding him. Someone was pinning him to the ground with a knee. Suddenly I saw our pizza delivery guy, toodling along on his bike up the block, past the spectacle of double-parked law enforcement vehicles with their lights ablaze. "Well, at least the pizza's here."
A few minutes later the man was secured in the ambulance and the cars dispersed. His antics made me feel more justified in calling 911 in the first place. The cars and ambulance revved up their lights and sirens to facilitate illegal U-turns on our block, and then they were screaming up Broadway, away from our home.
The pizza was lukewarm and doughy when we finally ate it. We wondered what it would be like when the man inevitably returned to his apartment, to the woman in longjohns. The city is a forceful, unrelenting place on nights like this. Discretion, or the opportunity to ignore your neighbor, is a luxury. What were we supposed to do? Wait for the woman to get hit? Wait for the drunken man to sober up, stop bleeding, stop pounding on the walls?
What if we had just closed our door?
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Awesome Friday/[Law firm] Saturday
Really good weekend so far:
On Friday I took a half-day of vacation and left work early to go for a long run in the park. I had bought new sneakers earlier in the week (I endured the full treatment to get the appropriate shoe, running on the treadmill with my dress pants ludicrously cuffed upwards while in loaner sneakers, and noticing on the playback video a disturbing outward kick at the rear point in my stride, leading to possibly an even more gangly form that I thought I had, so that now I'm concerned I run like a Muppet) and I was ready to go.
I did a solid six mile loop in Central Park without any stops or water breaks. I was happy with this, simply for the endurance factor. The weather was glorious and it was a great afternoon to run. The Park felt familiar and challenging, and by the end of the run I was happy that my leg muscles were killing me, but I was ok cardio-wise. At home I found that I had a massive blister under a pinkie toe, but hopefully this is just a casualty of brand-new running shoes. I showered and headed to Chipotle for some lunch along with Entertainment Weekly and the New Yorker, and then I went and sat in the sun in Riverside Park and continued reading. The sun was warm and plenty of people were walking by. I read a great short story in the New Yorker by Ben Marcus that really captured one part of fatherhood, the part where you love your child and are confounded by her at the same time, and the part where you realize you are still a lazy bastard but it's not as easy to indulge in it anymore.
We had dinner at J&A's, some great pasta with wine and sambuca. A wonderful evening -- we ended up waking up Alice to take her home around midnight, and she was exhausted but peaceable in the taxi. It was a really great day.
And today was the one-year anniversary of my last day at my previous job. My friends have been very excited about this day, and we were able to observe it last night, around the fourth glass of wine. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my last job and what I learned from there. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it, many levels of pride and disappointment. As it recedes further into the past I'm able to appreciate the experience in different ways, and the passage of time has really been a blessing in may ways.
In any event, I was reading the March 2010 entries in ol' Clarity and realizing that this period of time last year was extremely consequential. March 19: last day of work! March 24: first day of work! April 5: baby is born! What a season that was. Thank God it's over, and that we emerged unscathed, baby in arms.
On Friday I took a half-day of vacation and left work early to go for a long run in the park. I had bought new sneakers earlier in the week (I endured the full treatment to get the appropriate shoe, running on the treadmill with my dress pants ludicrously cuffed upwards while in loaner sneakers, and noticing on the playback video a disturbing outward kick at the rear point in my stride, leading to possibly an even more gangly form that I thought I had, so that now I'm concerned I run like a Muppet) and I was ready to go.
I did a solid six mile loop in Central Park without any stops or water breaks. I was happy with this, simply for the endurance factor. The weather was glorious and it was a great afternoon to run. The Park felt familiar and challenging, and by the end of the run I was happy that my leg muscles were killing me, but I was ok cardio-wise. At home I found that I had a massive blister under a pinkie toe, but hopefully this is just a casualty of brand-new running shoes. I showered and headed to Chipotle for some lunch along with Entertainment Weekly and the New Yorker, and then I went and sat in the sun in Riverside Park and continued reading. The sun was warm and plenty of people were walking by. I read a great short story in the New Yorker by Ben Marcus that really captured one part of fatherhood, the part where you love your child and are confounded by her at the same time, and the part where you realize you are still a lazy bastard but it's not as easy to indulge in it anymore.
We had dinner at J&A's, some great pasta with wine and sambuca. A wonderful evening -- we ended up waking up Alice to take her home around midnight, and she was exhausted but peaceable in the taxi. It was a really great day.
And today was the one-year anniversary of my last day at my previous job. My friends have been very excited about this day, and we were able to observe it last night, around the fourth glass of wine. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my last job and what I learned from there. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it, many levels of pride and disappointment. As it recedes further into the past I'm able to appreciate the experience in different ways, and the passage of time has really been a blessing in may ways.
In any event, I was reading the March 2010 entries in ol' Clarity and realizing that this period of time last year was extremely consequential. March 19: last day of work! March 24: first day of work! April 5: baby is born! What a season that was. Thank God it's over, and that we emerged unscathed, baby in arms.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Alice at Chipotle
Last night I left work in a foul mood. I had planned on taking a break at some point in the afternoon and grabbing a Coke, but I was unexpectedly busy and spent the hours watching the window of opportunity close before me. I was resentful of the amount of work I had to do over spring break, when the office is a ghost town yet my own little shop keeps humming along.
I had to pick up Alice, and on my way to get her I thought, F it, I'm taking her to Chipotle. Even though she's been around for almost a year now I still feel weirdly not-autonomous with her. Like I can't just decide to take her places, that I should be asking L for permission, or that we have to head immediately home if we don't have a fully stocked diaper bag with complete sets of extra clothing and outerwear. Perhaps this stems from the nasty old cow on the bus who made a comment about how Alice wasn't wearing shoes or a hat one morning. Turns out none of her toes froze off, heifer! Thanks for your concern!
Anyways, I took Alice to Chipotle and we had a great time. I managed to carry our tray of food, plus her, plus a high chair. I managed to fill our drinks, sit her down, and enjoy a snack of chips and guac and a quesadilla. She was laughing and babbling the whole time and only nearly choked to death once. Overall, a wild success.
She is in this painfully cute stage right now. She does this thing where she runs her tongue side to side, along the edges of her teeth, making this wonderful burbling sound like this: BllBllBllBllBll. So of course now I make the noise to her, and she'll make it to me. I made the noise to L once when the two of us were lying on the couch, just because I kind of forgot. On the walk home from Chipotle Alice was making the noise contentedly, smiling at anyone, craning her neck upwards to look at the sky, reaching in the elevator to poke at the buttons, happy to walk around the apartment with my assistance, euphoric to be playing hide and seek and finding me in such sophisticated hiding spots as on the other side of the bed or behind a door.
I read somewhere that the first year or two of parenthood is about drawing your child close to you, and the rest of it is letting your child go. I am trying to be aware of and appreciate this moment of drawing her near, welcoming her to our fold, and seeing her light up in the midst of it all.
I had to pick up Alice, and on my way to get her I thought, F it, I'm taking her to Chipotle. Even though she's been around for almost a year now I still feel weirdly not-autonomous with her. Like I can't just decide to take her places, that I should be asking L for permission, or that we have to head immediately home if we don't have a fully stocked diaper bag with complete sets of extra clothing and outerwear. Perhaps this stems from the nasty old cow on the bus who made a comment about how Alice wasn't wearing shoes or a hat one morning. Turns out none of her toes froze off, heifer! Thanks for your concern!
Anyways, I took Alice to Chipotle and we had a great time. I managed to carry our tray of food, plus her, plus a high chair. I managed to fill our drinks, sit her down, and enjoy a snack of chips and guac and a quesadilla. She was laughing and babbling the whole time and only nearly choked to death once. Overall, a wild success.
She is in this painfully cute stage right now. She does this thing where she runs her tongue side to side, along the edges of her teeth, making this wonderful burbling sound like this: BllBllBllBllBll. So of course now I make the noise to her, and she'll make it to me. I made the noise to L once when the two of us were lying on the couch, just because I kind of forgot. On the walk home from Chipotle Alice was making the noise contentedly, smiling at anyone, craning her neck upwards to look at the sky, reaching in the elevator to poke at the buttons, happy to walk around the apartment with my assistance, euphoric to be playing hide and seek and finding me in such sophisticated hiding spots as on the other side of the bed or behind a door.
I read somewhere that the first year or two of parenthood is about drawing your child close to you, and the rest of it is letting your child go. I am trying to be aware of and appreciate this moment of drawing her near, welcoming her to our fold, and seeing her light up in the midst of it all.
Monday, March 07, 2011
Night clapping
Last night L was in Atlanta for work, so it was just LB and me on the home front. She had been fussy in the evening and it took her an extra hour to fall asleep. She woke up around 11 and 12, but quickly whimpered herself back to sleep both times. I considered this a personal victory.
She woke up again around 1:45 in the morning, with a shrill, insistent cry. I slugged myself out of sleep and went in to see her. She was inconsolable, not hungry or wet. She missed her mama. We walked around the apartment for a few minutes, then I just decided to let her fall asleep in bed with me. I set up some pillows so she couldn't roll off and the tried to demonstrate how to fall asleep. I approached this task with a sense of willful optimism, knowing it probably wouldn't work anyway, but hoping that she would fall asleep calmly beside me; that I would successfully fight the urge to roll over away from her; that she would not crawl or roll right over the edge of the bed.
She was so tired, my girl, and the night was so thick around us. She stared at me with large brown eyes as the pacifier bobbed in her mouth. She put her hands on my face and tried to hide in the crook of my neck. She lay on my chest. She rested her head on my belly and stretched her legs out like she was staring at the stars. She would lie comfortably for a little while, then huff and reposition herself. I rubbed her back and tried to calm her. She sprawled next to me with a hand on my arm. She rested her head on the pillow and stared at me from mere inches away. The corners of her eyes shading in a familiar smile.
I feigned sleep and she sat up and murmured to herself. She clapped her hands a few times. She looked at me and placed a hand on my cheek. She clapped her hands again.
I felt fortunate to see her night behaviors up close like this. It felt like watching a wild animal in its natural habitat. My nocturnal kid. After an hour it was evident that sleep was not likely for either of us. I picked her up and we walked around the apartment for a bit. We moseyed into her room and she leaned down towards her crib. I placed her in it and she lay down peacefully. I returned to bed, deconstructed the pillow walls I had built to protect her, and soon enough sleep had claimed us both.
She woke up again around 1:45 in the morning, with a shrill, insistent cry. I slugged myself out of sleep and went in to see her. She was inconsolable, not hungry or wet. She missed her mama. We walked around the apartment for a few minutes, then I just decided to let her fall asleep in bed with me. I set up some pillows so she couldn't roll off and the tried to demonstrate how to fall asleep. I approached this task with a sense of willful optimism, knowing it probably wouldn't work anyway, but hoping that she would fall asleep calmly beside me; that I would successfully fight the urge to roll over away from her; that she would not crawl or roll right over the edge of the bed.
She was so tired, my girl, and the night was so thick around us. She stared at me with large brown eyes as the pacifier bobbed in her mouth. She put her hands on my face and tried to hide in the crook of my neck. She lay on my chest. She rested her head on my belly and stretched her legs out like she was staring at the stars. She would lie comfortably for a little while, then huff and reposition herself. I rubbed her back and tried to calm her. She sprawled next to me with a hand on my arm. She rested her head on the pillow and stared at me from mere inches away. The corners of her eyes shading in a familiar smile.
I feigned sleep and she sat up and murmured to herself. She clapped her hands a few times. She looked at me and placed a hand on my cheek. She clapped her hands again.
I felt fortunate to see her night behaviors up close like this. It felt like watching a wild animal in its natural habitat. My nocturnal kid. After an hour it was evident that sleep was not likely for either of us. I picked her up and we walked around the apartment for a bit. We moseyed into her room and she leaned down towards her crib. I placed her in it and she lay down peacefully. I returned to bed, deconstructed the pillow walls I had built to protect her, and soon enough sleep had claimed us both.
Friday, March 04, 2011
Posture
A couple of weeks ago I was at the gym on Sunday morning, like I do, and was half-heartedly lifting some weights on the machines while waiting for my awesome R&B/gospel spinning class to start. A trainer approached me and pointed out how I was using the machines incorrectly, then he said he could show me some moves that might be better the next week. Ok fine, I said.
The following Sunday (last Sunday) I found the trainer and he put me through the paces, to the point where I was still sore four days later. The highlight was when he said I had really good form with squats.
The unfortunate part, though, came when I was doing dead lifts and he said my back wasn't flat enough. This turned into a broader discussion of posture, and how apparently I should be puffing my chest up and out at all times. (I tried this for a little bit at work and felt uncomfortable.) He gave me some stretches to do to improve my posture -- basically reverse-humping a doorframe, then repeating it three times -- and I've even altered my computer monitor and tried to be more conscientious about how I sit and stand.
At one point during the session he said, "Just wait, you'll see, when you stand up straight you'll get more respect at work, people will treat you differently."
I let this sit for a moment while I continued the painful stretch he had me holding for a minute. Finally I said, "Just so you know, I do get respect at work. It's not like I get picked on in the hallways or anything."
"Whoa whoa I don't even know you! I'm just saying, it makes a difference."
"Okay, I'm just saying. It's not like I'm getting beaten up at work."
So I have spent this last week trying to stand up straight, uncurl my spine, flatten my back. We'll see if it takes.
The following Sunday (last Sunday) I found the trainer and he put me through the paces, to the point where I was still sore four days later. The highlight was when he said I had really good form with squats.
The unfortunate part, though, came when I was doing dead lifts and he said my back wasn't flat enough. This turned into a broader discussion of posture, and how apparently I should be puffing my chest up and out at all times. (I tried this for a little bit at work and felt uncomfortable.) He gave me some stretches to do to improve my posture -- basically reverse-humping a doorframe, then repeating it three times -- and I've even altered my computer monitor and tried to be more conscientious about how I sit and stand.
At one point during the session he said, "Just wait, you'll see, when you stand up straight you'll get more respect at work, people will treat you differently."
I let this sit for a moment while I continued the painful stretch he had me holding for a minute. Finally I said, "Just so you know, I do get respect at work. It's not like I get picked on in the hallways or anything."
"Whoa whoa I don't even know you! I'm just saying, it makes a difference."
"Okay, I'm just saying. It's not like I'm getting beaten up at work."
So I have spent this last week trying to stand up straight, uncurl my spine, flatten my back. We'll see if it takes.
Friday, February 25, 2011
31
[I'm actually writing this on March 4, but I'm posting it under 2/25/11 for the sake of posterity.]
On February 25 I turned 31. As I've said before, 30 was an extremely good year for me. The first part of this birthday was spent on the night of the 24th, celebrating on a boat called the Calypso Queen toodling around Tampa Bay. I was having an unexpectedly pleasant evening with colleagues -- cans of Bud Light, a DJ playing fun and laughable songs, the sun sinking far off into the Gulf. The Electric Slide. At one moment I was standing alone on the top deck, looking at the sky framed between two gaudily-decorated plastic palm trees, as a reggae song bounced in the air -- and for the first time in my life, I kind of liked reggae! For that brief moment, it made sense at the time!
Much of my actual birthday was spent in transit from Florida to home. We had a nice dinner at home, L made a delicious cake. On Saturday night we had a fun night at Nectar, partying like we were childless (almost), and then rushing home so we could stop the clock on the babysitter. When childcare costs loom over you just like the threat of a hangover -- that's what 31 is like, so far.
On February 25 I turned 31. As I've said before, 30 was an extremely good year for me. The first part of this birthday was spent on the night of the 24th, celebrating on a boat called the Calypso Queen toodling around Tampa Bay. I was having an unexpectedly pleasant evening with colleagues -- cans of Bud Light, a DJ playing fun and laughable songs, the sun sinking far off into the Gulf. The Electric Slide. At one moment I was standing alone on the top deck, looking at the sky framed between two gaudily-decorated plastic palm trees, as a reggae song bounced in the air -- and for the first time in my life, I kind of liked reggae! For that brief moment, it made sense at the time!
Much of my actual birthday was spent in transit from Florida to home. We had a nice dinner at home, L made a delicious cake. On Saturday night we had a fun night at Nectar, partying like we were childless (almost), and then rushing home so we could stop the clock on the babysitter. When childcare costs loom over you just like the threat of a hangover -- that's what 31 is like, so far.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Encouragement
I've been sending a story out to various literary journals, and getting a bunch of rejections in return. I'm fine with this. But today one of the rejection notes -- which, like most others, was tersely written and signed "The Editors" -- also came with this:
"P.S. I really enjoyed reading this piece."
The heart leaps.
"P.S. I really enjoyed reading this piece."
The heart leaps.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Dateline: Clearwater
I'm in Clearwater Beach, Florida, for a few days to attend a conference. The privilege of sleeping in a big pristine bed, uninterrupted by the cries of an anguished or surly ten month-old child, can't be overstated. But it's definitely a little lonely here. Today after 10 hours of conference activities I went for a walk on the beach -- jean cuffs rolled up, name tag discreetly folded over -- to watch the setting sun dissolve into the gulf. It was beautiful, and also melancholy. It reminded me of the solitude of my first year in New York, before L had arrived, when the city was the perfect place to languish in your loneliness.
Since my last post, things have gotten much better with Alice, thanks in part to some quality time we got to spend when L had to work late or early. The baby and I had a lot of fun clapping, playing, reading, eating, etc. She will now feed you a Cheerio or a morsel of some other food if you ask her, and reinforce the request by opening your mouth and aiming towards her food. I think this is the first real sign of generosity or compassion we've seen from her, and it's encouraging. She's also just a lot of fun right now, with her endearing wobbly movements, her vocalizations, and her overwhelming cuteness. I'm glad I'm back in the fold. (I would also note we went through a low point when she fell off the couch and landed on her forehead, then proceeded to flip over. I was a wreck on wheels that night, and being on Concussion Watch for the next two days wasn't fun either, but fortunately she is fine and doesn't hold a grudge.)
Not sure what else I have to say about Florida. I've been eating a lot of grouper and key lime pie. The people are friendly, and nice, and slow, and they seem unafflicted by the neuroses and chronic impatience that characterizes me and everyone I know. Like most other places I go, I look around at the white beaches, and the broad sky, and the sweet pace of life, and I ask myself, why not live here? Why not live and be happy here? It seems like it could work.
Two more days in Florida, then back home to my ladies. And my birthday. Not a bad week.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
She's just not that into me
We're in a depressing little trough where Alice is just not that into me. Not a lot of smiles, or interest, or engagement. What I hope will be cute or funny usually turn out to be annoying. I will try to tickle her or kiss on her stomach or something, and she tries to push me away, preening to the side to get away and find her mama. Oftentimes I'll be holding her and her neck is swiveling around, trying to find L. Once she spots her she lunges in her direction, grunting in a way that is one part whine and one part command, until I move close enough so that Alice can reach up to her. Our touching family moments now consistent of Alice hugging L, while I hold on to Alice's lower body. It's pretty pathetic.
I'm trying not to be bothered by this but it is frustrating. It reminds me of the period when the baby would be at her fussiest when I came home from work. To her credit, she has been fighting various viruses, infections and rashes for the better part of three weeks now, but I don't know what I have to do to get a smile around here. It's a little discouraging.
I'm trying not to be bothered by this but it is frustrating. It reminds me of the period when the baby would be at her fussiest when I came home from work. To her credit, she has been fighting various viruses, infections and rashes for the better part of three weeks now, but I don't know what I have to do to get a smile around here. It's a little discouraging.
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
Writing class
I'm now a couple weeks into the creative writing class I'm taking at the university. This is a Beginning Fiction Workshop, and, being the only non-undergrad in the room, I am the oldest student by about nine years. In fact, I graduated from college a year before the instructor did.
I remember, in college and grad school, what it was like when some weird, older person had somehow infiltrated the classroom. It was very off-putting: a reminder of mortality and the inevitable passage of time that would turn our bright, naive minds, as well as our taut undergraduate bodies, into something older and more weary. It was basically like the Grim Reaper had decided to enroll in the class.
Well, now that symbol of time and death is me, and I prefer to think of myself as an elder statesman. Perhaps it's because I feel fairly passionately about short stories and creative writing, but I find myself chomping at the bit to talk in class. To be fair, many of my proposed comments fall along the lines of: "John Cheever! Awesome!!" or "Alice Munro! I kind of named my daughter after her!" I wasn't like this when I was in college; now I'm just really excited to be there.
So far I have loved the stories we've read, and the chance to really dissect them in class. I've been familiar with much of the work we've read, but I've appreciated the chance to read with fresh eyes, and I'm learning more about amazing writers I haven't yet encountered. The big advantage I have over the undergrads, I'm realizing, is those nine extra years I've had to read and live. I do feel like I have more writers under my belt, and a little more life experience to draw on when thinking about stories or trying to write my own stuff.
Not to say that I'm the hotshot in the class, although a part of me clearly wants to be. I just love that now I have a sheaf of short stories to read during the week, and a creative writing exercise or story to mull over at any given hour, and a paragraph of instructor comments on last week's assignment to ponder and reread to the point of memorization. I feel very thankful to have a space to really think about this kind of thing, and explore why I love it so much and why it is so beautiful and powerful.
I remember, in college and grad school, what it was like when some weird, older person had somehow infiltrated the classroom. It was very off-putting: a reminder of mortality and the inevitable passage of time that would turn our bright, naive minds, as well as our taut undergraduate bodies, into something older and more weary. It was basically like the Grim Reaper had decided to enroll in the class.
Well, now that symbol of time and death is me, and I prefer to think of myself as an elder statesman. Perhaps it's because I feel fairly passionately about short stories and creative writing, but I find myself chomping at the bit to talk in class. To be fair, many of my proposed comments fall along the lines of: "John Cheever! Awesome!!" or "Alice Munro! I kind of named my daughter after her!" I wasn't like this when I was in college; now I'm just really excited to be there.
So far I have loved the stories we've read, and the chance to really dissect them in class. I've been familiar with much of the work we've read, but I've appreciated the chance to read with fresh eyes, and I'm learning more about amazing writers I haven't yet encountered. The big advantage I have over the undergrads, I'm realizing, is those nine extra years I've had to read and live. I do feel like I have more writers under my belt, and a little more life experience to draw on when thinking about stories or trying to write my own stuff.
Not to say that I'm the hotshot in the class, although a part of me clearly wants to be. I just love that now I have a sheaf of short stories to read during the week, and a creative writing exercise or story to mull over at any given hour, and a paragraph of instructor comments on last week's assignment to ponder and reread to the point of memorization. I feel very thankful to have a space to really think about this kind of thing, and explore why I love it so much and why it is so beautiful and powerful.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Fever state
This week I've had the flu. On Tuesday night I went down to Philadelphia for a conference, and by Wednesday morning I knew I would be that guy -- the one who coughs, the one who sits on the aisle so he can leave the room easily, the one no one wants to sit directly next to, the one who is obviously ill but in denial about it. So the conference was a roaring success.
Wednesday night, back home, was a disaster. After dinner I coughed so hard that I threw up my meal. Lying in bed I would wake up, shivering violently. Then I would feel incredibly hot, sweat coating my skin. A weird melange of images and thoughts was tormenting me -- snippets of songs I didn't want to hear, visions of a rich a chocolate cake that I worried would make me vomit. It was such a strange loss of control over myself.
The next day I didn't eat anything except a bowl of ramen. Poor L stayed home for the snow day to watch me and LB, who is also sick with a throat infection (not related, thankfully). I tried not to worry about work, and watched as my inbox filled with all sorts of requests, worries, questions. L brought home a Coke for me to drink, and I threw that up too.
On Friday L went to work, and the nanny came over to the apartment to watch Alice. I slept most of the morning away, then spent the afternoon stuck in the bedroom, hiding from the nanny. I didn't need her to see me in my fever state, in the same pajama pants and t-shirt I'd worn the last 72 hours. I felt like the crazy old woman in the attic in Jane Eyre. Finally L came home so I could emerge. I actually had the desire, and ability, to eat dinner, and I went to bed later than 8 pm, which was real progress.
Today I'm feeling better but as good as I had hoped. All things considered, this has been a fairly miserable week. I can't remember the last time I had the flu, but right now it seems like some kind of perpetual state of being that will never, ever improve.
Wednesday night, back home, was a disaster. After dinner I coughed so hard that I threw up my meal. Lying in bed I would wake up, shivering violently. Then I would feel incredibly hot, sweat coating my skin. A weird melange of images and thoughts was tormenting me -- snippets of songs I didn't want to hear, visions of a rich a chocolate cake that I worried would make me vomit. It was such a strange loss of control over myself.
The next day I didn't eat anything except a bowl of ramen. Poor L stayed home for the snow day to watch me and LB, who is also sick with a throat infection (not related, thankfully). I tried not to worry about work, and watched as my inbox filled with all sorts of requests, worries, questions. L brought home a Coke for me to drink, and I threw that up too.
On Friday L went to work, and the nanny came over to the apartment to watch Alice. I slept most of the morning away, then spent the afternoon stuck in the bedroom, hiding from the nanny. I didn't need her to see me in my fever state, in the same pajama pants and t-shirt I'd worn the last 72 hours. I felt like the crazy old woman in the attic in Jane Eyre. Finally L came home so I could emerge. I actually had the desire, and ability, to eat dinner, and I went to bed later than 8 pm, which was real progress.
Today I'm feeling better but as good as I had hoped. All things considered, this has been a fairly miserable week. I can't remember the last time I had the flu, but right now it seems like some kind of perpetual state of being that will never, ever improve.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
The old mattress
Today the sleek new sofa came. This arrival initiated a cavalcade of change around the apartment. To make room for the new sofa, we are converting the extra bedroom into a sitting room, so we had to move the old sofa -- the ancient sofa, the sixty year-old sofa that my grandparents had originally brought to Charlottesville, that I had brought to Charlottesville fifty years later, that I had brought to New York after that, that my daughter had scratched and tumbled upon -- into the extra bedroom. I spent the morning dismantling the old bed in the extra bedroom, the first bed I had owned as an adult. We put the deconstructed bed frame in the baby's closet but the mattress had to go to the garbage. She was good, but she was old.
Every time I open the door to our elevator I wonder if a wall of water will come tumbling out. This time, as always, no flood emerged. I wheedled the mattress into the elevator and began the journey down to the basement. The mattress was abutted against the wall behind me. I felt a rush of affection and nostalgia. I leaned back into the mattress one last time, thinking of everyone who had slept on it. I prayed the elevator would not stop on its way to my destination so that no one would see me trying to stand and lie down on the vertical mattress. The mattress was firm and familiar against my back. I thanked it.
In the basement I dragged the mattress through the hallway and out into the alley. I knew as soon as I brought the mattress into the cold unfamiliar outdoors that its side would become etched with ice and salt. I shoved the mattress along the cold pavement until it came to rest against the building. Now it was cold and wet and unusable. The old bed was now stacked in the closet. The new sofa was sleek and firm and beautiful. The new sitting room was warm and inviting. There was no space for regret.
Every time I open the door to our elevator I wonder if a wall of water will come tumbling out. This time, as always, no flood emerged. I wheedled the mattress into the elevator and began the journey down to the basement. The mattress was abutted against the wall behind me. I felt a rush of affection and nostalgia. I leaned back into the mattress one last time, thinking of everyone who had slept on it. I prayed the elevator would not stop on its way to my destination so that no one would see me trying to stand and lie down on the vertical mattress. The mattress was firm and familiar against my back. I thanked it.
In the basement I dragged the mattress through the hallway and out into the alley. I knew as soon as I brought the mattress into the cold unfamiliar outdoors that its side would become etched with ice and salt. I shoved the mattress along the cold pavement until it came to rest against the building. Now it was cold and wet and unusable. The old bed was now stacked in the closet. The new sofa was sleek and firm and beautiful. The new sitting room was warm and inviting. There was no space for regret.
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