I am really making a concerted effort to eat well these days. I am inspired by both my desire to continue living and my desire to save money rather than dump $10 into every meal I choose to consume. So on Sunday I went to the grocery store and bought: milk (1%), cheese, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, orange juice, turkey, whole grain bread, yogurt, bananas, spaghetti sauce. Pleased with my selections, I looked at the contents of the other shoppers' baskets with disdain: ice cream? No, thanks, Fatty. Butter? Not in my house! No, instead I've launced a new Fruit Initiative, which has translated into eating seven bananas in seven days. Wonderful!
Then, a day later, once the reality of this sad and unappealing bounty set in, I returned to the store to buy: gatorade, E.L. Fudge cookies, and Coca-Cola. This made me much happier, but in the meantime I'm still enjoying these meager and kind of pathetic meals: peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Yogurt and a piece of bread. Spaghetti that took twenty minutes to cook yet was consumed in nearly a single commericial interruption of "Desperate Housewives."
This is unsatisfying. Yet I am being so good! What gives? Well, today as I read the new Newsweek, about our delightful new Geometrical Food Regime, MyPyramid.gov, I was disappointed. About fruit, Newsweek says: "Most [fruits] are fine, but be moderate with bananas and juices." Why? "Bananas are starchy and high in sugar." Oh! Starch! I forgot to worry about starch! Thanks for shooting my awesome new Fruit Initiative straight to hell!
And what's that, Newsweek? "Excessive dairy consumption may be linked to prostate and ovarian cancer"? That's funny, because I actually HAVE a prostate!
Oh, what's that about white rice and white pasta, two staples of my diet? Did you say that "Refined grains are linked to higher risk of type 2 Diabetes"? That's what I thought you said. Oh well, at least I eat vegetables, like lettuce, and tomatoes, and cucumbers, and arugula, and potatoes--
"[Potatoes] really shouldn't even be in the vegetables category - they're more like white starches."
Starch! My new archnemesis. Curse you! Despite Newsweek's bitchy and unnecessarily snotty tone, I fear deep down that they are right. Yet I know we will meet again, Starch, most likely over a burrito stuffed with white rice, drenched with trans-fatty oils and dappled with negligible servings of vegetables. Yet we both know, without a shadow of doubt or hesitation, that I will succumb.