At this point I would like to Ctrl-Alt-Delete everything in the world. Fuck this. Fuck all of this.
I understand that everything ends up flowing from me - I really do believe that I bring most of my stresses and worries unto myself, and that most of my problems, insecurities, fears would be solved if I was just more open and communicative with people. But I am so tired of apologizing for being mad or sad and stressed out. Most conversations in which you introduce your own problems become these elaborate dances around the issue, and I find myself reluctant to bring things up because I don't want to burden someone with my own situations. Since, after all, in the big picture of things, I have it pretty good.
I caught this bizarre episode of the Oprah Winfrey a few nights back - it was the 1 am showing, I still have a job - and it had the girl from Growing Pains explaining that she had developed an eating disorder and been arrested for DUI because she had always been raised to be a "people pleaser." This made me laugh, in a move that really demonstrated that I am a callous person, but in a bizarre way I kind of understand. I am the kind who sometimes daydreams about getting into major arguments with friends and significant others - yelling, door-slamming brawls. Why do I do this? I don't want to fight with people. I just want to be liked. Maybe part of this is the wrenching process of staggering into adulthood: self-sufficiency, realizing people's limitations and weaknesses, understanding that because of your own activities and peccadilloes you cannot rely on hardly anyone.
But I don't want to live that way, I don't want to believe that about people.
Tonight I came home from the bar and walked to my freezer and took a swig from the bottle of Petron. Is that a good thing? Using tequila as a snack food?
Nobody read this, please, and if you do, let's not talk about it, hmm?