Normally I am a cool and suave dude, but not today. I should have known today would be weird when I found myself this morning scraping the bottom of the business-casual barrel. No good shirts left. No reasonable pants. So instead I was rocking a pair of cords and one of those flowy, non-fitted dress shirts with several yards of extraneous fabric billowing gloriously around one's midsection. Wisely, I stuffed this fabric under a sweater, which made me look like I was smuggling a wedding cake. This is how I chose to approach the world. Consequently, several unfortunate things happened:
First, as I was leaving the men's room at work this morning, I walked directly into another colleague who was on his way in. This was fantastically awkward. There was torso-to-torso contact. Why did I not see him? Later in the day I considered apologizing, but I thought this might actually make it worse.
Second, later on I was speaking to a colleague of the female persuasion, and I somehow mentioned that I had game, and she then said, "you have a wife and a baby daughter, you don't have game." Trying to salvage the conversation without seeming unduly lecherous, I cried out, "But I used to!", which made me feel like no less of a creep.
Third, in the afternoon I was eating a brownie as part of the office's Holiday Cookie Exchange (somehow we never had one at the law firm, perhaps because the lawyers were too busy at night resenting their loved ones to bake) when a colleague came up and poked me in the stomach, Pillsbury-dough-boy style. And of course he got me right at the point in my midsection where my sweater masked about eight layers of billowy dress shirt fabric, and his finger just sort of continued on, unimpeded. It reminded me of the burrito I ate yesterday, which had guacamole in it, and when I bit into the burrito in the guacamole part the whole thing just collapsed because there was nothing solid there. That was kind of like my midsection today.
In an effort to redeem the day, the brownie, and my dough-boy-esque physique, I went to the gym tonight for a little lifting and a good spin class. I was wearing a shirt with no sleeves, but thankfully no one made fun of me. The class was great and it was a good workout. And best of all, when I came home I saw that L had picked up the drycleaning, which means that tomorrow I will be much better-equipped for the day that is to come.